Mustacio extirparo, and the consequences of funniness

It's has been a long time since Ive been inspired to contribute to my blog...well plenty has happened over the summer but nothing that has motivated me enough to spend 10-15 minutes of effort to share it with anyone.
I kind of miss my handlebar mustache. As sad as that statement is, I feel like I received credibility and respect around Flagstaff for sporting it. A biker dude gave me his nachos when I was working Pickin in the Pines in August, if that's not respect I don't know what is. I think I will have to grow a legitimate one this winter, get some styling wax and really work it to full effect and join the official club. My main regret of the whole mustachio was not taking keep sake pictures of it or offering more random people "rides"
Now the true inspiration of this blog is humor or more so perceived humor. Ive found that Im stuck in a reality of the only people laughing at my jokes are me. There are several questions and possible terminus resulting from this newly discovered fact; some that perturb me, and a few that (unfortunately for others) will probably be the one's I choose.
1) I really don't amuse anyone, but in fact they are just amusing me with superficial laughter. I tend to find things that are extreme/non sequitar in any given said/interaction/experience ridiculously funny. The humor of ridiculousness responses. The context of the response is not dictated by any prior conversation. Example: In a discussion of "beautifying Flagstaff," when some supports the presence of Sizzler, or its our responsibility as a tourist town to provide eateries for the gluttony of America. I find this to be ridiculous statement and deserving of a ridiculous response (i.e. it's our responsibility as flagstaffians to offer a culture or experience that people may be out of their comfort zone, and if you cant handle that then you are unamerican and supporting the terrorists). I find the humor in the fact that some people in this lovely country of ours share that opinion. Not necessarily about the demolition of sizzler, but of a person's right to disagree with a war, a president, a religion, or a life. In the context of current social awareness by exchanging opposition to war with opposition to sizzler, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, my intended goal of making someone laugh at the ridiculousness of the statement failed, and only served to frustrate them. So alas, the estimated "I'm not funny" likelihood of reality 30%

For no other reason than that's alotta writing, my favorite cartoon strip: Get Fuzzy

2) The only person that thinks Im funny is me. I mean, fuck, at least I have that. right? If I think I am funny, when in reality other people don't find me funny does it really matter if I'm funny to the majority? As long as I amuse myself Ill never be bored. And if I annoy you, or you dont "get me," sorry. at least Im not a jerk (well I guess I am) I have the tendency to create movies within my head, complete with dialogue and actions scenes. Example: In the morning I often commence battles with the dog, Schwarzenegger style; aka, a kick would send kendrik somersaulting across the room, over the couch and out the window. Obviously, this is over the top, and representative of cinematic action sequences. humorous in daily, undramatic, unexpected situations. So, "Ben's reality" est. likelihood 75%
3) I am indeed funny and haven't found a suitable companion or cohort that appreciates my humor. How I wish this were true, that I wasn't surrounded by people who find me annoying, frustrating, or bizarre. Maybe when you find that person, that's your wife. I guess the opposite of this outcome is the current situation of my life. Current daily interactions: I speak attempting some form of humor, receive blank stares, silence, and general looks of disgust. "A bunch of Dillweeds" likelihood 10% ( a wishful 90%)

Somewhere in this god forsaken country Ill find you... until then Unfunny in Flagstaff

Now for the time-honored tradition

of Alumni weekend at Fand M, now this isn't any ol' alumni weekend, its my freaking 5th year college reunion. that means ive been out of college longer than ive ever was in it. holy crap that went quickly, its weird to think that ive spent more time away from the friendships i formed than i have actually spent in the day to day actions of building them. Most of post-college years I havent really lived by most of my friends that I made, Ive come back for a few month here and there, but mostly life has moved on. It's weird some of my best friends in college, are still my best friends now...and some friendships that I maintained and developed through the first few years post college now are distant memories where we struggle to even keep up a 10 minute conversation...our paths of life have taken us in so many different directions. For the first time in almost 10 years I will have a home that is not going to change, instead of me leaving town, it will be my friends that leave...I think this is going to be a nice, welcome change.
Thinking about what Ive done after college is kind of weird but plays out something like this...
Summer 2003- Rocked Orgo at Rutgers-Camden in prep work for grad school in Pharmacology/Physiology at Drexel College of Medicine...mostly drank (redbulls/vodka) at Top Dog in South Jersey...lived in my parents basement...put on about 15lbs...notorious text message breakup by panama city beach, fl girl...
Fall 2003- Started grad school, commuted to Drexel Med, started work on rabbits and cocaine...quit after 2 months..worked at Chili's, and as a boxboy at Joe's Discount Liqour...my BA from FandM got me on Wine detail..still living in my parents basement
Winter 2004- Jan 1st...infamous butt-to-nutt hotel experience. in typical jaffe fashion i lose my cell phone in a cab...we spend the new year in a parking lot of a closed strip joint in philly...the lost cellphone is a problem because the next morning i leave to drive down to my new job in beaufort, sc...working on an island full of free ranging rhesus macaques...make new friends in Savannah, where I spend most of my free time playing ultimate with SUDS...middle of February I go to the shelter for the 3rd time trying to find a dog that fits under my apartments regulations...find Sylvia with Sarah...immediately rename her Monkey Butt Biscuit... around this same time the Vibe enters the shop with a failing engine, as I wait for a new engine i get a replacement vibe (which is brand new)...with biscuit in tow we head to savannah upon which she basically pops a butt valve and starts exploding in the back seat of the rental...we quickly pull over in the parking lot of a baptist church and let her finish. go to a dollar store get some cleaning supplies, do the best that we can..and continue on the journey...
Spring/Summer 2004- the lost summer of 2004...pick up MRSA in my leg probably from laying out at a Nasty Nine's tournament in Athens, GA...it gets misdiagnosed several times...I fly home to Jersey the following weekend, got to the ER, still nothing, get dosed up for my flight back into Charleston, SC...dont remember much but I was pulled over on the ride back ~100am and let go with a warning. go to work the next day...the pain in my leg takes me to the doctor again...given some anti-bios...dont work...pain becomes excruciating.. go back to the doc who sends me to a specialist...go under emergency knee surgery that night...10 days in the hospital under a morphine haze...luckily i had an awesome caregiver...and the next month and half in home health care...start walking without a cast around august...easiest way to lose 25lbs in a month.
Fall 2004- apply to grad schools...get accepted to the University of Chicago for Fall 2005
Spring 2005- Turks and Caicos with the boys, burn the crap out of myself getting a base layer, but one of those classic trips, complete with my first game of Clue, although I dont think Shane tried very hard
Summer/Fall 2005- leave the south and move out to Chicago, with a quick pit stop at APS in Portland, absolutely fall in love with the town, and the people dressed up as monkey's protesting a conference where 75% of the talks were on conservation...gotta love ignorance. alas my year and half in chicago ...basically all over the place...an up and down experience...but got to play out my last year of eligibility with JUNK, experience the sounds of domestic abuse on the south side of chicago, and get in a car accident with someone who doesnt speak any english, have a license, or for that matter insurance...mostly because of my connection with ultimate I didnt make many friends my own age but my MA ended up being like a trip back to college accept I was 5 years older than everyone else, but only 6month more mature.
Winter/Spring 2006- Dad retires from Exxon-Mobil after 40 years, my research design goes to shit, and have to scrap it, redesign it, and run it in a month...lots of 400am night in the IMB building playing catchup and freaking out...i think i also borrowed and lost my advisor's "Snowbird" coffee mug...which she completely called me on after 4 months in the field...participated in the inaugural Chiditarod, and Urban Golf events
Summer 2006- fcking Rob's wedding...this one had more interesting stories than can publicly be shared, but it was crazy to say the least. moved in with my bro and his fiance at the end of august for the next 3 months...if you knew my bro and you knew me...you knew this was a bad idea...but it worked...well. i will always feel so lucky to have the opportunity to totally change our relationship and get to know each other.
Fall 2006- bro gets married, I finish the edits to my thesis in a tux 3 hours before his wedding, and graduate in the winter of '06.
Winter 2007- start working for Seiji doing landscaping and odd jobs, probably one of the most fun, laid back times ive had since...ever. as winter gets more severe i start working for don pablos (the great taste of mexico) and once my neighbor, Mr Riggins, injures himself I start driving him to and from work. unbelievably, one of the waiters from the D.P. steals my change...net worth 86 cents...the stole it from my apron during my break...now thats awesome
Spring 2007- get a few grad school interviews..Wash U, Florida, LSU, NAU... rock most of them, get rocked by Wash U...end up with a sweet offer from NAU, and decide to head to Flagstaff...in the mean time, I go to Paganello with an FandM reunion team composed of people that I helped teach the game of ultimate to. Im still amazed at how awesome they have become and how big the program has grown from 5 silly guys and 2 hardcore girls...to an A team, a B team, and a women's team. simply mind blowing...also head out to California for a stint watching bluebirds in the hills outside Monterey...a beautiful place i called home for almost 5 months. that leads me to here, flagstaff, where I dont know about tomorrow, or what friends ill make, and maintain here...but its been a good first year...with a few more to go

Into My Own

Into My Own
One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away.
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the
sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him
they knew--
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

-Robert Frost

I have spent such a good chunk of my life believing that you constantly need to working to improve yourself...learning from your mistakes, reflecting on the day, month, year. It is so easy to just distract yourself with life. There is always something to do, somewhere to be, someone to hang out with, but I found that I never really dealt with anything just put it into storage...its like those shows where an office desk is piled high with folders and more and more stack keep coming. You just cant stick them in a drawer somewhere without dealing with them, even if its not on your desk, in sight, its still there and needs to be done. In the context of the Robert Frost poem, I guess Ive figured out that I can only really be me... Im pretty much a goof ball that likes to make people laugh, I crave attention both good and bad, and love to be both by myself and surrounded by people. Sometimes I have a temper, and get frustrated, but I ride a daily roller coaster of emotions held in check by self-reflection. Im overly sensitive to other people's feelings perhaps to a fault, and sometimes Id rather watch people interact then actually interact with them. So I guess I havent really changed over the years just that I am more confident in who I am, and desire only to be stereotyped as myself. Recently I have trivialized people's emotions as way to escape the responsibility of dealing with them, as a way to avoid confronting the possibility of upsetting them, or even not living up to them. For that I am sorry, Im too cowardly to accept the reality of disappointing them, and as a result I dont even give them or any relationship a chance to mature beyond any initial stages. Here I am rambling philosophic after a post that included Revenge of the Nerds and Major League 3 as important influences in my life...as it goes I guess. Back to work...

Top 10 trilogies that affected my life

Now that WikiWiki is no longer here, I have all this free time:

The toughest part of forming this list is thinking about trilogies that actually 1-substantially impacted my life (mostly my taste in movies), 2- I actually remember the 3rd movie (for most trilogies the 3rd movies were just awful...see Revenge of the nerds/Major league, but I remember them) 3- the awfulness of the 3rd (and 2nd in sometimes) is compensated by the sentimentalism I have for the first. By no means am I saying these are good movies (and for god's sake some of them are not), but I love them nevertheless (geez Ive been using that word a lot). you may notice some obvious omissions (godfather, matrix, star wars, jurassic park), but by the time i saw these films the plasticity in my brain and was no longer receptive to their specific form of stimuli, and although I enjoyed those trilogies they did not have the profound influence as the following trilogies

so in no particular order

Evil Dead/Evil Dead 2/Army of Darkness (1981-1992)
AoD actually made it onto my Yearbook page "Buckle up bonehead, cuz you're going for a ride" where upon a skeletal copy of the hero is launched from a catapult out of a castle and explodes. Introduced to me by my bros (the same guys who used to scare the shit out of me by yelling when large marge freaked out in PeeWee's Big Adventure The sheer volume of blood, mayhem, chainsaws and pump action shotguns makes this trilogy one of my favorite. I still enjoy unexpected, and unnecessarily extreme gore (contemporary example: The blood spitting Raccoon in Harold and Kumar go to white castle (which they are making a sequel to...what!?!) I still remember a quote from my friends girlfriend (junior year of high school). She said, after a demon got its head chopped off with a shovel, "Is she dead?" while typing this I realize that it doesnt really sound all that funny, but the sincerity in her voice made me laugh for 5 straight minutes. I love these movies oh so much.

Back to the Future I,II,III (1985-1990)
Wait a minute, Doc. "Are you telling me you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?" "The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?" This series had it all: puffy vests (which I still rock), Clocktowers, Biff, Flea, a fucking hoverboard just an all around classic, and watchable throughout the 3rd installment. This movie influenced Ornstein's and I's rewrite of the Orientation skit, taking it from crap to a DeLorean filled adventure down FandM's history. As we wrote the script in his orange room let's just say that Ornstein drew most of his inspiration from NBA Street (I cant believe they cut the "Serendipity" reference...f'ing editors

Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark/Temple of Doom/Last Crusade (1981-1989)
Perhaps the ultimate adventure trilogy, nazis, cobras, indigenous people with blowdarts, rolling rocks, that dude from "Sliders" (what an unappreciated series), the token Asian dude from "Goonies" (short round where you at?). This probably made me want to become a professor. Seriously how awesome would it be to have your students paint "Love you" on their eyelids, kill some nazis, get the women around the globe, speaking of which getting to travel the world, swing from stuff with a whip. Unfortunately, I feel my advanced degree in Animal Behavior will just wont be able to compete with Indy and Ill end up sifting through dehydrated squirrel poop in search of cortisol levels or measuring the elasticity of monkey nipples(oh wait too late)...If I only had an Asian understudy (I hear by dub you "Small Square")

Conan the Barbarian/Conan the Destroyer /Red Sonja(1982-1985)
"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women"
Technically, this isnt a trilogy because Conan isnt Conan in Red Sonja(he's Kalidor), but for all intensive purposes he's Conan..same loin cloth, same grunts, same BAMF attitude. Yes that is a picture of Conan killing a vulture with his mouth, and now coincides with my facebook profile picture. The cast list reads like a who's who of acting greats: james earl jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Andre the Giant, Grace Jones, Olivia d'Abo (the older sister on the wonder years), Brigitte Nielson, Ernie Reyes Jr (in his first major role a and of course Ahhhnold. There should be an Arnold themed restaurant (or at least party) where all the waiters dress like one of his characters (Commando, Predator, Terminator, Junior, Jingle all the Way, Pumping Iron, Twins, Running Man, Total Recall, Batman & Robin (Mr. FREEEZE!!!)... hands down the best actor of mine or any generation....seriously he bit the head off a vulture, fuck YOU brando...okay so that was a bit of tangent. but one of my favorite trilogies of all time, and apparently there is another one being made for release in 2009

Major League I/II/Back to the Minors (1989-1998)
"I good to you. I stuck up for you Jobu. You no help me now...I say fuck you Jobu. I do it myself."
Sound Bite
I spent so much time looking for Vaughn's glasses. I loved that they had a little skull in the middle of them. Thats absolutely priceless, I guess it took me until just this moment to realize that they probably just glued a pewter skull on to them, and they didnt exactly manufacture it for mass production. The reason the trilogy made it on my list is based mainly on how many times Ive seen the first one and how well the script and soundtrack have stuck with me. The sequels had its notables: charlie sheen sells out, the replacement of Tom Berenger (bat shit crazy in 1986 Platoon with Sheen no less) with Scott Bakula (of Quantum Leap, and Unnecessary Roughness) and the token crazy asian guy who breaks a bat over his head. They kind of sucked but, I still will watch them if they come on, besides I will pretty much watch anything with Ted McGinley (see Revenge of the Nerds).

Revenge of the Nerds/Nerds in Paradise/The Next Generation (1984-1992)
OMG- See the first two immediately if you havent done so yet. This movie change my life, giving hope when there was none: Robert Carradine, Anthony Edwards, Timothy Busfield, Ted McGinley, Donald Gibb (AKA: Ogre), Curtis Armstrong (AKA: Booger, and the greatest sidekick in 80s comedies)"I think I have a frush." "What the fuck is a frush?"
I mean seriously: they had their own music video and half of Ogre's dialogue is composed of yelling the word "Nerds." It is so unapologetically bad (the most awesome thing I have youtubed this year), that you cant help but love it. The sad part is that at some level I completely identify with this movie, spending my socially awkward middle school (and high school...and college...okay pretty much my whole life since 3rd grade) years wondering where I fit into the whole scheme of things. There must have been a direct correlation with seeking entertain in movies and the limited social stimulation I received from my peers...one could say because of middle school I am now writing a blog about the top trilogies that affected my life (of which I list Major League)... What else can I say, even though the 3rd was made for TV, the first two are so amazing they more than compensate...and besides Ill always have Ogre.

El Mariachi/Desperado/Once Upon a Time in Mexico (1992-2003)
Perhaps my first real grown up trilogy, in that I was actually 11 when it came out (vs 3) and actually rode my bike to to "west-coast video (this place smelled like if jujubee had just run a mile and hadnt showered in a few days)" to rent el Mariachi. What I really like about this trilogy is that instead of jamming the budget high, they just got creative, and actually used their heads to produce well thought out scripts, the first movie was made for something like 5000 bucks and went on to gross like 2million and win Sundance. It makes you hate movies like "Delta Farce" "Wild Hogs" and "Witless Protection" so much, almost as much as the people who pay to see them (okay so I saw Wild Hogs in the theater, but it was my last night in Jersey, and I was drunk on Margaritas, and I was hoping it would be just funny awful...anyway I digress) Pretty solid through and through, and what separates it from most of the other trilogies Ive listed is that it isnt kitschy (did i just drop some yiddish?, wtf mate), they are all just well-told, entertaining stories.

Mad Max/The Road Warrior/Beyond Thunderdome (1979-1985)
So even though Mel Gibson is kinda Tom Cruise crazy, he does a great job portraying that badboy with a heart of gold. He absolutely fall for the little feral kid thats running around grunting (what was that all about). I also think sloth from the goonies, and the mutant crew from Weird Science makes an appearance (Tina Turner too, but you can lump her in with the mutant crew). I mean seriously a town's energy source is the production of methane (anaerobic breakdown exciting) by pigs in beyond thunderdome (but everyone know that cows give you highest rate of methane to biomass thats why they always feature them in ecology textbooks...except for the giraffe and the giant giraffe head sized butterfly in my Nitrogen cycle diagram...what the f is that all about). But post apocalyptic death races in austrailia make for a very entertaining series.

Die Hard/Harder/ With A Vengeance (1988-1995)
Pretty much introduced the modern classic hero to our culture (well that and Hard Boiled): flawed, one-liner spewing, bad ass...actually pretty similiar to Mad Max in that its is just a really good action series, with a decent plot, and some subtle political commentary. Plus it has a villian named Hans Gruber...and his brother. Its got Samuel Jackson, Mr. Winslow from Family Matters, Jeremy Irons, that dude who showed his butt on NYPD blue Dennis Franz...
-Why do you keep calling me Jésus? Do I look Puerto Rican to you?
-Guy back there called you Jésus.
-He didn't say Jésus. He said, "Hey, Zeus!" My name is Zeus.
-Zeus?
-Yeah, Zeus! As in, father of Apollo? Mt. Olympus? Don't fuck with me or I'll shove a lightning bolt up your ass? Zeus! You got a problem with that?
-No, I don't have a problem with that.
Stuff explodes, expletive expletive expletive, car chase, expletive, some more stuff explodes (preferable a mode of transportation), repeat...

Blade/II/Trinity (1998-2004) So my friend Fergus and I would talk about throwing a Blade Party at the Pepperland back in my Chicago days. The party would consist of a rave like trance in the courtyard, where the blade theme song would play and wed go to the roof and spray some sort of blood like substance on the ravers below letting them revel in the ecstasy of blade. this, of course is absolutely nuts concept. lets play this out: vampires drink/eat blood and so when they go to party, they of course like to be sprayed with what they drink. so i drink a lot of coffee, does that mean I can take my raving to the next level by dousing myself with a frappuccino....count that shit, ive got an idea for a new coffee club. thinking about it, i would love to be dancing and sprayed with food, and drink, and other such goodies.
honorable Mention: Robocop. Re-animator, Creepshow, Problem Child, Shrek, From Dusk til Dawn, X-men

Back in Flag

Whoa, I'm officially blogging. That seems pretty crazy to me, I guess I need something to help distract me now that myspace is soooo 2005 (and all I get is friend requests from Sherri who wants me to to check out her cool new site). Arrived in Flagstaff yesterday (~400am) after a 5 day trip to Hawaii to play some ultimate with a bunch of old guys from the islands. They kind of reminded me of my old team Suds that played out of Savannah...bicker a lot, go get stoned and drunk, and then huck it for turnovers... that whole scene just gets less and less impressive as time goes on.

Got to go on some amazing hikes while in hawaii. We scored a sweet pumpkin orange HHR upgrade from Alamo as our rental and on the Friday before the tourney began Kristine (aka WikiWiki) and I went searching for the Lulumahu falls and the ruins of King Kaniakapupu's summer lodge to no avail. Spent a lot of time bush wacking, and didnt really get to far. It was beautiful never-the-less. We were much more successful on Monday when we went towards the North shore and found the Laie Falls after a bit of a hustle up the hillside to beat the sunset.

When we arrived in Phoenix and finally got to the Vibe it was about ~100am and then had to figure out how to load 5 people (4 sleep deprived girls and me (aka the sane-one...scary I know) and all their luggage into the ol' girl. All the mean while these girls were just chattering and chattering and I finally felt what it would be like to be a dad, and I quote "Can you girls give me a fucking break already" and at that moment I officially became my Dad.

Rolled in to Flag around 315am and dropped everyone off, and got a couple of hours of sleep, alas all these fun adventures have led me to be sick again...Ive pretty much been sick the entire time since coming back to AZ from winter break. Alas...

This weekend Im going to push through my sickness and try to finish up the women's ultimate team website, hit up crossfit on saturday, and get back into my running schedule!