Into My Own

Into My Own
One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away.
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the
sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him
they knew--
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

-Robert Frost

I have spent such a good chunk of my life believing that you constantly need to working to improve yourself...learning from your mistakes, reflecting on the day, month, year. It is so easy to just distract yourself with life. There is always something to do, somewhere to be, someone to hang out with, but I found that I never really dealt with anything just put it into storage...its like those shows where an office desk is piled high with folders and more and more stack keep coming. You just cant stick them in a drawer somewhere without dealing with them, even if its not on your desk, in sight, its still there and needs to be done. In the context of the Robert Frost poem, I guess Ive figured out that I can only really be me... Im pretty much a goof ball that likes to make people laugh, I crave attention both good and bad, and love to be both by myself and surrounded by people. Sometimes I have a temper, and get frustrated, but I ride a daily roller coaster of emotions held in check by self-reflection. Im overly sensitive to other people's feelings perhaps to a fault, and sometimes Id rather watch people interact then actually interact with them. So I guess I havent really changed over the years just that I am more confident in who I am, and desire only to be stereotyped as myself. Recently I have trivialized people's emotions as way to escape the responsibility of dealing with them, as a way to avoid confronting the possibility of upsetting them, or even not living up to them. For that I am sorry, Im too cowardly to accept the reality of disappointing them, and as a result I dont even give them or any relationship a chance to mature beyond any initial stages. Here I am rambling philosophic after a post that included Revenge of the Nerds and Major League 3 as important influences in my life...as it goes I guess. Back to work...